No sooner had I posted my last blog than news filtered through that Paul the Octopus had died ‘peacefully in his sleep’. I really don’t understand how his handlers thought we would fall for the in his sleep explanation when there were so many people in Argentina and Germany who wanted him dead. He was only spared the wrath of Tony from Tunbridge by the hastily pushed through press release that Paul was born and bred in England. My own theory is the Germans were worried about adverse publicity if Paul passed away too close to the World Cup and hatched a plan to poison him slowly and surely.
Politicians are like molluscs
While still on the subject of wildlife here is one of my favourite recent quotes “This is a short-sighted, unimaginative and short-term government with the vision of a bat and the antennae of a mollusc.” David Blunkett. The Tories got a big shock this week when their plan to make the poor even poorer backfired badly. Unfortunately for them the UK economy grew in the last quarter by double what was anticipated. They were very quick to take the credit for this growth however they are saying it will take the lifetime of this parliament for all of the other good work they are doing to double the unemployment rate.
How corrupt are you?
While we Brits are good at messing up our economy we’re rubbish when it comes to corruption. This inter-active guide to corruption allows you to see how countries compare when it comes to insider dealing. New Zealand and the Scandahooligans don’t do corruption very well either but the good news is all of our of hard work in Iraq has paid off. According to the index Iraq is now the most corrupt country in the world, well done George and Tony.
Winning while sleeping
In Spain they are more worried about the tradition of the siesta after lunch dying out than corruption. The Spanish still think it’s a great idea and to promote the art of cat napping they recently held a contest to find the best of the best. It was won by an Ecuadorean who managed to fall asleep in the middle of a shopping mall and earned bonus points for snoring loudly.
Well-endowed at a price
Moving swiftly on I was intrigued by the story that a top athlete has fallen foul of the anti-doping regulations for taking a male enhancement drug. Linford Christie’s world famous lunch box immediately sprang to mind. I guess if you are going to wear figure hugging shorts you want to improve your prospects by putting your best bits forward.
I’m not sure if any of you read the Daily Mash but their take on the news is much funnier than mine. I loved their story on Wayne Rooney’s new million pound a week contract, it’s very rude but beautifully observed. By the way the conspiracy theory here is Man U have got Wayne to sign a contract to maximise his value when they sell him to Man City next summer. Man City are in the market to replace Carlos Tevez who wants to go home, apparently Carlos doesn’t speak English which makes you wonder why Roberto Mancini made him captain. Not a problem at Arsenal obviously but City have got quite a few Englishman playing for them.
Saudis in their Audis
I’ve also talked about viral a lot recently – it’s the holy grail for ad agencies to come up with something so good that everyone comes to you rather than you having to invade their territory. Here is a rather bizarre one, the fat fellah says nowt all the way through. Take a look, you will definitely chuckle at Saudis in our Audis.
Raising the viral bar very high are this amazing group, OK GO, who promote themselves entirely through brilliant videos that are watched by zillions on You Tube – here are a couple.
Apples are not the only fruit
Interesting observation, I read this headline and it made absolute sense; Apple record record profits. My brain automatically translated the two meanings of record at which point I came to the conclusion that brains are very clever. More brainy stuff, try this experiment at home; ask a willing accomplice to hold their hand flat palm up and place a bottle of water on their hand. If you take the bottle away their hand will rise a few inches, if they take it away themselves their hand will remain rock steady. Something to do with the brain sending messages to your extremities.
Finally on the subject of brains, kids are much cleverer than adults. This was once again proven to me by the fact that everyone under 20 has a BlackBerry on the simple basis that they don’t do e-mails, texting or phone calls anymore. Instead they stay in constant contact with all of their friends through BBM and Facebook which they can have unlimited usage of for AED 50 a month. Bingo!
I’ve decided I really don’t like Apple on the simple premise that everything they make costs twice as much if you live outside the good old US of A. I’m annoyed that Apple are making record profits by over charging Johnny foreigner.
Top five things that upset me:
- Not being invited
- Banker’s bonuses
- Footballers diving
Having got that off my chest a happy story to end – see what happened when a crocodile grabbed a baby elephant by its trunk and the big boys came storming to the rescue.
Everybody say ahhh – or whatever else you want to get off your chest in the comments box.